Leadership Qualities 1st Draft (Feedback)

Leadership Qualities 1st Draft (Feedback)

All qualities of leadership are important for leaders to have. Each leadership quality is important because it helps become a great leader. Without these leadership qualities, you won’t be a good leader. The first important leadership quality is confidence. The second important leadership quality is determination. The third important leadership quality is intelligence. The fourth important leadership quality is compassion. The fifth important leadership quality is creativity. The sixth important leadership quality is honesty. The seventh important leadership quality is teamwork. The eighth important leadership quality is respect. The final important leadership quality is humor. You are giving too many leadership qualities.  It is better to focus on 3-4 so that you can really elaborate on them, instead of giving so many and not being able to develop each one.  Also, since this essay is based on the novel, you should make mention of the novel in your introduction.

The first important leadership quality is confidence. In Chapter 2 of Animal Farm it states, this was early in March. During the next three months there was much secret activity. Major’s speech had given to the more intelligent animals on the farm a completely new outlook on life. They did not know when the Rebellion predicted by Major would take place, they had no reason for thinking that it would be within their own lifetime, but they saw clearly that it was their duty to prepare for it. The work of teaching and organizing the others fell naturally upon the pigs, who were generally recognized as being the cleverest of the animals. When leaders have confidence, they believe that they can do anything: if they put their minds to it.  It is great to include quotations from the book but you have to put quotation marks around them.  Also, be careful to not use quotations that are too long because, as happened here, your quote makes up the majority of your paragraph.  If you use a quote that long you should take time to explain in your own words exactly what you got from that quote.

The second important leadership quality is determination. In Chapter 1 it states, that is my message to you, comrades: Rebellion! I do not know when that Rebellion will come, it might be in a week or in a hundred years, but I know, as surely as I see this straw beneath my feet, that sooner or later justice will be done. Fix your eyes on that, comrades, throughout the short remainder of your lives! And above all, pass on this message of mine to those who come after you, so that future generations shall carry on the struggle until it is victorious. When leaders have determination  Same thing about the quotation.  Did you not finish this paragraph?

The third important leadership quality is intelligence. In Chapter 2 it states, the work of teaching and organizing the others fell naturally upon the pigs, who were generally recognized as being the cleverest of the animals. Intelligence is an important quality for because it shows how they figure things out from there (their) own perspective.  You could definitely elaborate more on this last sentence.  Someone could argue with you that someone who is not intelligent, but has perseverance can also figure things out. 
The fourth important leadership quality is compassion. When leaders have compassion, it shows that they care about other people's feelings. It also shows that they take what other say into consideration. Here is a perfect example of how you could elaborate this idea of compassion by defining it as you understand it and then relate it to the book and finally explain why it is an important leadership quality.

The fifth important leadership quality is creativity. When leaders have creavity, it shows that they can come up with new ideas on their own. In Chapter 2 it states, The pigs now revealed that during the past three months they had taught themselves to read and write from an old spelling book which had belonged to Mr. Jones’s children and which had been thrown on the rubbish heap. Use quotation marks, and explain how this quote shows creativity.

The sixth important leadership quality is honesty. It is important for a leader to be honest because if leaders are honest they can be trusted. If leaders are not honest, they can’t be trusted. In Chapter 2 it states, The pigs had an even harder struggle to counteract the lies put about by Moses, the tame raven. Moses, who was Mr. Jones’s especial pet, was a spy and a tale-bearer, but he was also a clever talker. He claimed to know of the existence of a mysterious country called Sugarcandy Mountain, to which all animals went when they died. It was situated somewhere up in the sky, a little distance beyond the clouds, Moses said.  Again the quote you chose is too long, needs quotation marks, and you don’t really explain how this quote is about honesty and leadership.

The seventh important leadership quality is teamwork. When leaders have teamwork quality, it shows that they can work together with other without conflict. In Chapter 2 it states, then Snowball (for it was Snowball who was best at writing) took a brush between the two knuckles of his trotter, painted out MANOR FARM from the top bar of the gate and in its place painted ANIMAL FARM. This was to be the name of the farm from now onwards. After this they went back to the farm buildings, where Snowball and Napoleon sent for a ladder which they caused to be set against the end wall of the big barn. They explained that by their studies of the past three months the pigs had succeeded in reducing the principles of Animalism to Seven Commandments. These Seven Commandments would now be inscribed on the wall; they would form an unalterable law by which all the animals on Animal Farm must live for ever after. With some difficulty (for it is not easy for a pig to balance himself on a ladder) Snowball climbed up and set to work, with Squealer a few rungs below him holding the paint-pot. The Commandments were written on the tarred wall in great white letters that could be read thirty yards away. They ran thus:
THE SEVEN COMMANDMENTS
Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
No animal shall wear clothes.
No animal shall sleep in a bed.
No animal shall drink alcohol.
No animal shall kill any other animal.
All animals are equal.
In this paragraph you are in essence your coping the book.  You can use sections of this part of the book to prove your point about teamwork without coping down such a large section of the book. 

The eighth important leadership quality is respect. When leaders demonstrate respect, it shows that they have high regards for others. In Chapter 1 it states, Boxer was an enormous beast, nearly eighteen hands high, and as strong as any two ordinary horses put together. A white stripe down his nose gave him a somewhat stupid appearance, and in fact he was not of first-rate intelligence, but he was universally respected for his steadiness of character and tremendous powers of work. Same comments as the above paragraphs.

The final important leadership quality is humor. When leaders have humor, it shows how to have fun every now and then. In Chapter 2 it states, I will sing you that song now, comrades. I am old and my voice is hoarse, but when I have taught you the tune, you can sing it better for yourselves. It is called ‘Beasts of England’.” Old Major cleared his throat and began to sing. As he had said, his voice was hoarse, but he sang well enough, and it was a stirring tune, something between ‘Clementine’ and ‘La Cucaracha’. The words ran: Beasts of England, beasts of Ireland, Beasts of every land and clime, Hearken to my joyful tidings Of the golden future time. Soon or late the day is coming, Tyrant Man shall be o’erthrown, And the fruitful fields of England Shall be trod by beasts alone. Same as above.

In conclusion, all qualities of leadership are important for leaders to have. Each leadership quality is important because it helps become a great leader. Without these leadership qualities, you won’t be a good leader. The first important leadership quality is confidence. The second important leadership quality is determination. The third important leadership quality is intelligence. The fourth important leadership quality is compassion. The fifth important leadership quality is creativity. The sixth important leadership quality is honesty. The seventh important leadership quality is teamwork. The eighth important leadership quality is respect. The final important leadership quality is humor. Your conclusion should read differently than your introduction but with the same ideas. 

Overall this is a good first draft.  Things to keep in mind for a second draft or our next essay:
Focus on 2-4 body paragraph ideas
When using quotes make sure you use quotation marks.
Use either shorter quotes or parts of longer pieces of a quote.  Quotes should enhance your essay and not become a replica of the book.
Once you use a quote you must explain how that quote enhances/proves the point you are trying to make. 
Don’t put words in bold or underlined, it is not necessary.
Try to include some transition sentences between paragraphs.


Organization:  8.5
Purpose:  6.5
Evidence:  13
Conventions:  8

Total:  36/50